Reminiscing the Purple Sling

This morning Grandpa Johnsen called to inform us that Joaquin had been moved from the PICU up to 3 West like we had all hoped. Today was uneventful in regards to Joaquin's health because he's only just healing and waiting to get to the point of being discharged. I was able to spend most of the day there with him because now that he has his own room, there is a long bench that also doubles as a bed for the weary parents or guardians. And I can lay down and rest when I need to. Now Chris doesn't have to sleep in the recliner and he doesn't have to leave Joaquin when he wants to go to sleep.

I was having moments today of wondering why I had chosen to do this to us. Everything was going along just fine before the hospitalization and transplant. I was healthy and feeling good and vibrant and now my body feels all out of whack. I hate it. I cannot wait to be months beyond this and feeling back to normal. And Joaquin was so happy - well, as happy as a kid who is cutting his top two teeth can be - working on standing and walking and now he's all laid out in the hospital bed and wheezing a little from all the stuff that goes along with surgery and healing. Sometimes he feels so uncomfortable and I feel so helpless because he's reaching out to me and I can't pick him up because of all of the tubes and machines. I miss carrying him around on my hip or in our purple sling - it's where we both liked to be. I ask myself many times and sometimes a few times a day why I chose to do this to myself and Joaquin. I tell myself it's for the best and soon it will be over. But somehow that seems to go against living in the now - which I try to do. I try and listen to and practice what my friend tells me about just trying to be at peace in the moment and not think about the past and not think about the future. But that's so hard when the present is so uncomfortable. I try and see the lessons that I'm learning from all of this. Sometimes it all just seems so unfair. And I still think that I could handle more if God gave it to me. But I sure hope s/he doesn't decide to.