Holding My Breath

Joaquin came down with a fever yesterday afternoon. I got him into the doctor shortly thereafter just to be seen. Since he had been a little stuffy with a runny nose I was pretty sure that it was viral and the doctor that we saw (his regular pediatrician was off) confirmed those suspicions. He was feverish all night and into the morning. Before Chris left for work at about 5:30am he gave him another dose of tylenol. Joaquin has been doing very, very good at drinking his fluids for the day. He went above and beyond what he needed - which needs to happen since he was running a fever. He's been in good spirits the whole time which puts me at ease a little because the times when his illness has been super serious he was not in good spirits. 

This morning he threw up his meds twice. The first time he did it, it was too soon after taking them so he had to take them again. The second time enough time had passed to where I felt comfortable with not re-dosing. I spoke to the doctors in Palo Alto after the first upchuck who advised me to give him another dose since less than 20 minutes had passed. My Mom said it looked like lots of phlegm so it's a good thing he's getting it all out of his system.

I've just been on borderline panic mode. I just want him to be well. It's always so hard to see your little one sick but couple that with being fearful of rejection... well, it can be nerve racking. We were conditioned from before the transplant about rejection and one of the signs is a fever. Later a doctor told me that it's one of the last symptoms of rejection and since he gets regular blood draws that's not something to be worried about. Then when he got sick back in January while he was staying with my parents  and we were out of town another doctor told me that they  aren't so concerned about fevers this far out of transplant.

And while that's all very reassuring, I'm still so ingrained with fear of rejection. I can understand that it's better to have parents on hyper-vigilant mode but at the same time I'm the kind of parent that wants to know everything about everything. I want to know at what point should we be worried? At what point does it cross from being about the kidney and be about just normal toddler sickies? I understand it will always be about the kidney to some extent but this worry is so hard for me to deal with. I just want to cry about it. I feel like I'm such an instinctual parent but my instinct goes out the window when it comes to Joaquin  being sick. I feel helpless and that's enough to make most mothers mad. I look to Chris to allay my fears - is he really bad? Is this really bad? How do you feel about this Chris, cause I can't tell! 

I mean, everything is alright with him. My Mom said she would call me if something were to go down today and so far I haven't got a call. I just cannot wait to exhale cause I feel like I'm holding my breath! There is like a black cloud hanging over my whole day.  I cannot wait for the fever to go away and for him to be on the mend. Our two hospitalizations last year around this time does nothing to help my current mind frame either but we aren't dealing with the ng anymore either...

I think more than anything I just needed to get that out there. So thanks if you've read this. I appreciate it. 

p.s. ~ Could you send some healing vibes to Joaquin please? Thanks.